Today I met an old friend I have not seen in years. I was reminded about what I remember last about him. He had been head over heels in love with this girl, and he gave everything of himself to her. Pedestalized her, worshiped her. Dedicated all of himself to her, and spared nothing for himself. After about a year, that relationship failed horribly. She left him and took all that he held dear. No need to say, he was crushed. Utterly. And I wanted to say something to him, remembering what I found out through my own journey of life.
He is is now together with someone new and is happy, he did not need my words, but as I remembered, I want to share what I found out.
When my old relationship crushed me, I did not understand, and I had to learn the hard way.
I used her to confirm my own value, and that is why that relationship failed so horribly.
Because that creates a strain on the relationship, it becomes exhausting, and eventually it will fail. It did not start that way, but it ended because of it.
And when it does, as it had to, I became utterly crushed, because my proof of value turned against me.
Now, however, my love is much much deeper, I’d even dare to say it became true and real, because I don’t use her to confirm my value. I confirm my own value. So there is no strain. Of course we have challenges, but that’s about growing. And as I love myself, for being me, for my own sake, I am capable of loving her, for being herself. So I realized, I cannot truly love anyone for being themselves, without me loving me as myself first. And then the relationship becomes an actual relating trough love.
Once one sees the sense in this, the value of this, one starts to wonder, “do I truly value myself for being myself?”
And if not, the why not?
Because we are all born with this sense of tremendous self value, self love, and at some point we would have had to learn otherwise.
Maybe, many many times throughout our lives, we were just being ourselves, and someone judged it not right. Maybe parents, teachers, friends or strangers, saying “don’t be like that, that’s wrong, be like this.” And if we buy into that, we loose our sense of self value.
If we realize this however, we can start taking responsibility for our own value. “I am valuable because I say so.” and that would be both true and enough. Because you are, simply by the virtue of existing. You’re already here. Too late to question it.
That’s when you mature, really mature, when you take responsibility for your own value. You don’t seek it, or demand it from others, you just take it as a given. Of course you are, and you start loving yourself, and then you can really love others, and others have a chance to love you, because you are yourself. And you are yourself because you love being yourself and find value in it.
Some may still not like you of course, but now mostly because you remind them that they don’t value themselves, you make the contrast that forces them to look at the idea, and that might be painful to them, so it’s often easier for them to try and stop the reminder, then it is to look at the idea. There is no way you can think you don’t have value, and while having that idea to not be hurting. But if you never look at the idea, you will always remain hurt. No one on this planet goes trough life, getting enough love. Everyone has a scare in their heart in some way. Some more then others.
And the alternative to self love, self value, is of course to choose to not want to be yourself, and then nobody ever gets a chance to love you, because nobody ever gets a chance to meet you, see you, get to know you.
And if you don’t believe in the value of being yourself, you cannot really love and appreciate anyone else being themselves either.
So, knowing all this, what would you have to believe is true about yourself, to make you choose to think you don’t have value, just by being you?